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[deadelfwalking]

 

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"Leave a message, if you must."

image from obliterating <3

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[deadelfwalking]

[His jaw tightens.]

The same.

[highhealplz]

[ He nods again, but this time it leaves him staring at the etched cobblestones below his feet. ]

...Sorry, I know I said this wouldn't take long.

[ He rubs the back of his neck, awkward. It's hard to know how to dive into this. Of course he'd rehearsed his approach earlier, but it's all left his mind by now. He's quiet a few seconds, working up to it again. ]

[deadelfwalking]

[Koltira doesn't reply. He just folds his arms over his chest, and he waits.]

[highhealplz]

[ Eventually he sighs, looks up again, and squares his shoulders. ]

I talked to Sonya. It went as poorly as you might imagine — but she did point out I was being selfish. [ A little lower: ] Making choices for people again.

[deadelfwalking]

[Koltira had a feeling this was going to be the topic of conversation. He sighs.]

Be with her, Ashraf.

[highhealplz]

[ He looks instantly guilty, shoulders right back to slumped again. ]

Even if I were, I'd still love you. I don't know if she could accept that.

[deadelfwalking]

You can forget me, in time.

[highhealplz]

[ He studies him sadly for a moment. ]

You're a terrible judge of your own worth, Koltira. [ And he probably shouldn't, but he steps closer, reaching for one of his hands. Gauntleted, as always, but that doesn't stop him. ] Stubborn and obstinate, maybe, but you've taught me lessons I needed, and won't ever forget.

[deadelfwalking]

[Koltira takes Ashraf's hand, but murmurs.]

So remember those. Leave the rest.

[highhealplz]

And— [ He leans in a little to look up at him with a quirked smile, subdued as it may be. ] You know, I've loved you since before I even met Olivia. That's not going to just fade, no matter what I do.

[deadelfwalking]

[he shrugs.]

You never spoke of it.

[So it must not have meant that much.]

[highhealplz]

I know.

[ The smile fades again. Regrets, man! And these particular regrets he can still remember clearly. Guilt is nice like that. ]

You're a man. I didn't really think it was an option for myself, let alone that you'd accept it.

[deadelfwalking]

[He doesn't really process this.]

What does my being a man have to do with anything?

[highhealplz]

[ He frowns. ]

Your world doesn't frown on men together, or women together? They seem so similar otherwise.

[deadelfwalking]

We don't have time to care.

[highhealplz]

[ His smile is small and humorless. ]

The Church found time to care, and I followed their teachings pretty closely.

[deadelfwalking]

The Holy Light does not dictate such things. It preaches love, optimism. Acceptance. [he shrugs.] But we have no gods to answer to, either. Only ourselves, and the energy we create.

[highhealplz]

[ For once, he just shrugs too. Other religions are generally fascinating to learn about, but they're far from his mind today. ]

Well, in any case, what I was taught was enough to make me stay quiet about my feelings. I wish it'd been otherwise, but... [ but he was kinda a prick, lbr. ]

[deadelfwalking]

No matter. You need not concern yourself. Pursue the woman.

[highhealplz]

[ He's quiet for a few seconds, thinking of Sonya. Specifically, the hurt on her face that he'd never seen before, when he'd told her about Koltira. There's no question that she's in pain, but Koltira... ever stoic, is it insightful or just arrogant to think Koltira would be hiding his own pain?

Maybe this love is more imbalanced than Ashraf had cared to consider. He sighs. ]

I don't know. Maybe I ruined my chances with her — with both of you. [ No one wants to hear they aren't the obvious top choice, right? ]

[deadelfwalking]

[Of course he is. Koltira is nothing but pain; sorrow; etc. But what business is that of anyone else's?]

We never had a chance. I am sure she will forgive you in time.

[highhealplz]

[ He thinks he could have argued that, were his heart not so divided. But as it is, it just hurts to hear. (Then again, isn't it time for a little pain of his own? It's only what he deserves, by now.)

But, selfishly, he can't just leave it at this. So he leans forward and up, tipping his head to kiss Koltira one more time — one last time, maybe. It's tentative, he expects Koltira to pull away any second. ]

[deadelfwalking]

[Koltira's so surprised that he leans into the kiss -- Ashraf is warm and present and it's not like Koltira doesn't like affection, doesn't crave touch as much as the next person -- but then he yanks his head away; scowls.

For the first time, his voice is raw and upset.]

I have loved you for days upon days. But you are meant for the living. Go to the living. Go.

[highhealplz]

[ He falls back again when Koltira pulls away, irrationally hurt, and all the more unhappy for the change in Koltira's voice. Thinking that Koltira wouldn't feel this — that's just trying to soothe his own conscience, isn't it? But there's nothing he can do to ease this pain, no spell to make it go away, no kind words to ease his mind. It's that thought more than anything else that makes tears prick at the corners of his eyes.

He drops his gaze, a teleportation spell at the tip of his tongue. ]

I'm sorry, Koltira.

[deadelfwalking]

[Koltira just sets his jaw, with a 'like hell you are' look on his face, and says nothing.]